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I don't post much here anymore because I don't like the layout.

Follow my thoughts here instead: http://arora-arora.tumblr.com/

kd

my own crystal ball

and you coated my ears in honeydew

it dripped down my throat

milky and cool

swam in my belly

where I kept the secrets we made

as we sat in maple trees

aching and laughing

never in the same moment

I took that day

I melted it down

careful to preserve every leaf

the rough bark that splintered my finger

the bruise on your knee when you fell

that look when our thoughts coalesced 

but neither would mention they had 

I torched it 

until every crystal would never move again

You Don't Need Booze When You Have a Head-Full of Lonely.

the lack of faith people have in themselves just gives me really heavy boots. heavy enough to want to move on to the second stage of misunderstanding and despair - anger. this is a little of that anger. 

where is this any of this going to get you?  playing games with people, involving emotions, or pretending to - it’s like walking in a circle until you wear the ground down, down further than you can climb out of. 

if you don’t know yourself you can’t share yourself with other people.

“if you can’t sleep alone, I am better off alone.” emery

If you can’t be honest with yourself you’ll never be real with anyone else.

How can all of you have so little faith in yourselves? Why is everyone always pushing for that ‘one’? Why do people believe in that one? Just wait, find happiness in yourself, you CANNOT rely on anyone else to make you happy. When you do lay your locks down to sleep at night is it someone you care for-or just someone?

I still remember.

it was the first time.
possibly the only time.
your lips.
i could barely stand.
if i could only have
one
kiss
in my whole life
it would be that
one.

what I have been thinking about today:

How Logan deserves more letters from me, we promised each other eight.


The last time I saw Matt and how much we have both changed.


Wouldn't it be beautiful if every thing and every person shared what they were feeling.


How sad it makes me to see people who don't understand the beauty of \\\\\\\\\\


How easy it is to slide into heavy boots, but the more I wear them the easier it is to learn to take them off and how much better it feels when I don't wear them.


How would we look if none of our bruises.cuts.burns.scratches. ever fully healed and just by looking at someone you could tell their life story.  We would all be forced to be a little more honest with each other and in turn, ourselves. 

where is the line between what I want to do and what is best for me?

some days you make my life easy
some days you make my life like hell
and then more days than some days 
i just want to kiss you
just like that time you leaned in to tell me why we would never work
and i just pushed my lips on yours
because i knew the truth of your words
but kisses are better than truth
especially when there is truth in your kisses
which happened less days than some
maybe none
but ah. just fuck it and kiss me

old yeller.

there are just some decisions no person should ever have to make.

inspiration:

6. the act of drawing in, especially the inhalation of air into the lungs. 


c.1300, "immediate influence of God or a god," from Latin, inspiratus, pp. of inspirare  "inspire, inflame, blow into," from in - "in" + spirare "to breathe".  


thank you dictionary.com


The past week has led me to several people who breathed life into me.  I need that right now.


experience. new. life. 

thanks to flikr

summer

when you are perfectly content
when it's impossible to imagine better
smells
friends
sunsets
laughter
tastes
leaves
memories
you're living.

everyday brings life.

sometimes life is the same.same.same.same.

then there are the days you reach something overwhelming
glistening, reflective, clear
that moment.
you close your eyes, breathe
until your lungs fill your entire body with the essence of this moment
trying to remember, physically, every particle of this moment
you discover a new meaning to Beauty

I want to start living life one. day. at. a. time.
try and discover the beauty in each moment
I want to grow this summer
twist around and outside of myself
to squeeze, just a little bit, out of my skin
push through
veins
skin
tissue
bone
to be a part of, yet outside of
life.

treasure map

(I am still editing this but I was excited to get it up, I really like where it is going.)


it was after you said 17
when i realized
i wanted to make you a treasure map.


to crumple the paper in my hands
twist it around
wring it out
crushing
feeling the fibers push against my fingertips
until it was as soft as your sheets.


i imagined it a work of innocence
like the maps made for history projects and
middle school presentations
flick on the lighter and smell
the burning paper.


but you were stuck on a picture 
of twisted metal crunched under gravity
broken bones
a lost soul
the shattered stereo
and the vivid orange bushes
i found it on the inside of your fridge
solidified
the frozen ink gazing up mockingly.


i drew black stippled lines
around trees
over seesaws 
and across the ice rink
i expected a lot
i thought you would think more of me
by making it all worth it
i thought i was worth it.


your morning growl and wet 
'ihopeyouhaveagoodday' 
kiss
today was the day
i left the map on your dresser
i wanted you to love surprises
i wanted you to love adventure 
i wanted you to love what you had been missing
i wanted you to love you.


inside your fridge
under the layers of icicled ink
and fragile paper
X marked the spot.


there was a beauty lost underneath
under the sun-soaked bushes
and shattered cd's stained by blood
this beauty still breathed
i only wanted to give you a map 
to prove
it was still alive.


the paper flaked
its fiery-black edges forgotten
long lost  in your carpet 
and under the door
they swirled like flies 
picked up by the wind
carrying more than dreams 
but less than life


and leaving you staring at your fridge
wondering why your picture was taped
inside.

top 80

I found chopin today and it made every sound feel new again. There is something about his music that creates stories for me. Additionally I finally gave into iTunes and redownloaded "A Boy and A Girl" a choral piece by Eric Whitacre. I finally looked up the lyrics and the song means so much more to me.

Stretched out on the grass,

a boy and a girl.
Savoring their oranges,
giving their kisses like waves exchanging foam.

Stretched out on the beach,
a boy and a girl.
Savoring their limes,
giving their kisses like clouds exchanging foam.

Stretched out underground,
a boy and a girl.
Saying nothing, never kissing,
giving silence for silence.

The first time I heard this song I cried--in public even. It says something beautiful about the relationship two people can build together. It makes me want to have that beauty in my life.

top 40

I always appreciate when a song describes what I am feeling, puts my thoughts in context and helps me understand why I feel this way. I have spent the last few days looking for a song to do just this and have failed to find one. I need a song with lots of string and percussion. So much noise it is hard to get through to the message. Although it can't have an overwhelming cadence, one that take me to the point of annoyance. I need a song that will bring peace to my thoughts. A stillness to the current negativity in my head. I need reassurance I won't have to put myself back together. I don't want that.

control

there was a distinct feeling in the wind tonight.  as it shifted leaves and pushed against my bike.  it wasn't an unkind, or vindictive resistance, just a natural one.  the wind was warm, but full and almost thick.  as the moon darkly hid half his face.  the only way to learn to let go is by having life completely taken out of your control.   it makes you want to try and live again.  not just parts, but your actual life.

it was a great night, empty of people but full of life.  

the wind still rushes between my windows, sharing secrets only with the tress. 

darkness

i was driving through the darkness, it whipped past me, quick and unattainable.  my headlights illuminating barely ten feet ahead.  then total black.  the mountains were outlined by the setting sun, hidden by layered clouds.  it was perfect.

driving into the black.  i wanted to keep driving, never to stop, pressing my accelerator to the floor, until i had burned a hole through my foot.  i only wanted to keep driving until i could feel the black, until i was consumed. until it had been attained.  past the layered clouds, rising moon, sinking sun, this total darkness awaited.  waiting to consume.  

reach up

it wasn't until this moment, this exact undefinable second in time i couldn't think of anything more restrictive than a car.  still-tender grass stood waiting patiently to trickle my feet.  paths not fit in size or route wandered, farther then i allowed her mind to follow. looking up i finally understood and wished to follow the trees' example. I then reached up, up and up.  dropping fears, dreams, ideas, past regrets, and remorse. like blossoms to the awaiting grass.  quick, hot rays met my open hands. warming. heating all my molecules.  lifting me continually skyward. 

innovation

on the counter sits my quart sized "meets airport security guidelines" ziplock bag. I find myself with nothing more than the usual traveler's woes of a late
to a delayed
to a cancelled
flight.
The Postal Service's this place is a prison comes on, almost too perfectly, feeding itself through my ear buds, which try to balance the desire to drown out unnecessary, loud phone conversations with the all-too polite voice i can still hear informing me my rescheduled flight will be delayed a few minutes, no wait,
we apologize
hours more.

i have always wished i could be one of those conversational types. you know, the ones who sit down, right next to complete strangers, and start up a conversation. The types of conversations that end with e-mails, phone numbers, restaurants, recipes exchanged. instead i turn to the relative safety of my book and music. i keep shifting the volume. click forward, click back,
back again.
swiping my thumb
unable to find stasis between my own thoughts and the escape of overheard conversations.

a seat opens in-between the typical frazzled mother and the all too cliche business man, whom she keeps checking out
i walk over
attention passengers of flight 2465 due to weather concerns the plane will not be able to land for several more minutes, if you have connecting flights you are concerned about please walk to the front desk and visit with us now.
dammit.
across the aisle i see the cover of people magazine. it claims to hold the most important stories from the year. however all i can see are pictures of several interchangeable blondes.
Why is that nicole smith, the one who sexed up that old man and then croaked herself, on this years top ten people? did anyone even notice when Benizir Bhutto was assassinated? did she only make number 12 or 13 and therefore not merit a place? maybe what she was willing to sacrifice herself for-democracy and freedom-isn't as marketable as diet pills. but since when is knowing the number of times Brittany spears has been married become more important than knowing even the number of presidential candidates in your own country? let alone something outside yourself like the NIE's report on the ABSENCE of nukes in iran

at least mike huckabee could be given a run for his money.

who killed art?

why is art dead, because our heads are too stuck up our own asses to look at something besides our pictures on facebook

this is my little rant for the evening. I went to our typical peo and bev where i thought i could sit listen to some crappy poetry and maybe here a little bit of something inspiring. instead i got to watch the more 'underground' population of Utah State run around while talking so loud that the beautiful words of Anis Mojgani's "Rock Out" and "Shake the Dust" were lost in the shouts of people taking pictures that would go back to their over decorated apartments and be pasted on their walls. Walls that in ten, twenty years won't be thought of--ever again.
but nevermind that there is someone in front of you pouring out what they once took the time to write down. nevermind that someone is taking their deep, personal thoughts, thoughts that once coursed through their head and including you in them. nevermind that someone is trying to rip out a piece of themselves and share it with you. nevermind.

go back home, get on facebook. but don't even take more than a second to reflect, please do the world a favor DON'T THINK ABOUT THINGS.

life runs smoother than the tiled floors you walk on as long as you don't break the status quo. run things just as your parents taught you to, think of things exactly how your teachers taught you, walk to and from class just the way you ought to
and who will know the difference?

Our Economy--rant--NWO

With the United State economy slowly sinking down and dragging other economies with it (1) the time has come to take a look at where we have gone, just in the last eight years. The US has lost much of its soft power and the military is barely able to handle its current constraints in Afghanistan and Iraq. There is a change coming, and time is opening up for a new type of global politics. One relying on more heavily economics, instead of individual governmental policies. Countries will get along based off overall economic well-being--not governmental similarities. The US has been reaching out and borrowing money from anyone who will open their pockets and the once extreme gap between the US and other counties technologies is closing from what it was at our peak eight years ago. Power will not longer be held heavily in the Atlantic, as it once was, with the US as its head, but things will slowly start shifting East.

In the next two years China will overtake the United States as India's largest trading partner. (2) These two countries have room to grow and people who are willing to do it. While we all sit and discuss Heath Ledger's death, immigration, and what Hillary really did say about Barack. The US government will continue to call on other countries to feed our addiction to borrowing and spending. An addiction that has us $9,193,707,576,770.42 short. (3) How about instead of talking about the need to build a wall, we work on improving our school system to keep us competitive in this new age of globalization. The only reason we are still ahead is because we are still on the prosperous wave handed to us by our ancestors.

(1) http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/21/business/22stox-web.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin)
(2) http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/
(3) http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock/